For most of my almost 60 years of living, I thought my book would be filled with broken dreams, man-made disasters, bad decisions and blank pages. My life was a vast wasteland of nothingness to me and I didn't see things getting any better.
Most of my life growing up was, in a word, Camouflage. I will blend in with the rest of the crowd keeping as quiet as I could, living in a world I created and trying to keep as many people away as possible. Why would I do that? The simple reason was that I allowed other people, especially my earthly father to define who I was.
My father was a hard working man and provided for us well. We had a place to live, clothes to wear and food to eat. He also one who wanted to serve the community. So much so that he would come from work, eat dinner, get cleaned up and went back to be involved in local politics. I didn't see my dad a whole lot which wasn't the best thing but it was what I had to live with.
My father would also compare me and wanted to be like other people's kids whom dad thought I should emulate. "Why can't you be like this or that person?", my father repeatedly asked me. In his eyes, my thoughts were, that I just wasn't good enough, that I had to be someone else's kid and not my own person. Conclusion, if wanted the respect of my own flesh and blood, I had to be someone else's kid.
The more I tried to please my dad the worse I got. My identity was so buried in the desire to please my dad, that I thought my very name was a lie. I'm not Jerry, I'm someone else's kid living in the house with my family. It got so bad that I attempted (and thankfully failed) to commit suicide.
During this same time, my mom was the one with encouragement, unconditional love and acceptance that I didn't have to be anyone else but me. Mom made life fun and her acceptance of me and my brother and sister, made life worth living while dad was out of the house.
When dad come home, I had to revert to being a phony and masquerading as dad's dream kid, especially since I was the oldest. Dad was so 'influential' that when it was time for college, I did what he wanted, just to please him. I hated college and was completely miserable.
Mom, I thought, was my only hope to get anywhere in this life, so through work and school, I avoided my dad as much as possible and only sought approval from mom. This proved to me a wise decision on my part.
My mother was 1 of 11 children, raised on a farm in one of the poorest parts of Eastern Kentucky. What she got from her parents (my granny and grandpap) was love, discipline, a great work ethic and Jesus. Those very things she passed on to me. Most sons wanted to grow up to be like or make their dad proud of them, my goal was to please mom.
Every time I made my mom proud of me she would say, "Jerry, I love you." If I couldn't get motivated by that very simple action, then at the age of 20, it was time to give up on life altogether. I didn't want the chapters with mom to end and the ones with dad I wanted to erase. But God had a different plan, that rescued my life.
I never thought of God having a plan for my life or having much interest in me. The only time I ever thought of God, was taking his name in vain. That very action left me feeling dirty and ashamed. Maybe it was because my dad was so good at himself and decided I was not going to be ' like him'.
Being 'like him' also meant not getting or being married, since mom was good at marriage and dad wasn't. God said, " NOT SO FAST YOUNG MAN!!".
It was the fall of 1991 and was running for city council in the town where I lived. The political campaign was going ok but God was about to use that campaign for his purpose. A woman named Sheila Pennington, would see me every election day working outside at the polling place and we would talk for little bit and then I would see her again until the next election day.
The campaign committee decided to have a fund raiser, where you paid a certain to hit a candidate in the face with a pie. Sheila decided to pay $125 and then was asked if she would pay $25 more for a date with me. She gave the extra $25 and I got a pie in the face and date with Sheila Pennington.
Admittedly, I was fascinated and intimidated with the whole date idea, since I only dated a few times and did not have much success with women. When I asked Sheila where she wanted to go for a date she said, that's right you guessed it a Hockey Game!! So on a cool October evening , I picked Sheila up at a house that her and her mother shared.
The hockey game was a Hat Trick for me and I got the nerve to ask her out again. I had never felt that love and acceptance except from my mother. I was so head over heels in love with her, that I proposed in February and we were married that August of 1992. I thought that chapter would go on forever.
While married to Sheila, I was saved by Jesus in 1997, we adopted a son in 1998 and moved into a new house in 2001. God, Sheila and Jacob were my life.
In 2008, Sheila started to feel the affects of diabetes and heart failure. The next 6 years were filled with doctor appointments and bad news from each one. Finally, my wife succumbed to her illness and died in 2014. After a failed second marriage, I was back on my own and looking for the next chapters to write.
I will share the next chapters next week. Until then, LET GO and LET GOD11
With Prayers, Love and Hugs,
Jerry
A Simple Christian Man
